sex, lust and mud
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Last night was an eventful night and one filled with emotional trauma. Only then I felt fear, for a moment at a loss. I was so confused ...Despite my short scream, I knew for sure, the group of people rotting their lives away at the bottom hadn’t give a damn, as if it was just something they experienced everyday. I fought back my tears...begged her desperately ... I stayed in that tiny trapped area, crying and wishing to be found as soon as possible. Finally, she found me, and I was so scared to move from where I was, but eventually found the courage to descend the same flight of stairs that had emotionally eaten into my sanity...I hugged her tightly and just cried non-stop. She had assumed I cried because I was lost, and I told her what happened... I was so scared, at that moment, as long as I saw someone I knew whether close or not, I was sure I would cling to them for my dear life. We walked over to St. James, and surprisingly, I was feeling so numb to everything that had just happened. Inside, I was just BLANK. No emotions, no sadness, nothing... they were speechless too, that such a young man could be capable of such despicable dirty tricks. I now know why girls always go in groups wherever they go; only I the one who is usually fearless and dismisses such weakness have ironically fallen prey to such acts.

That unfortunate event will forever be etched into my mind, just like how the other 3 times have been. Perhaps, because it’s my fourth time, I have grown numb to such things? Yet, when I’m alone, I can’t help but feel angry. Angry that I didn’t do anything; angry for even at that moment thinking it could be someone I know teasing me; angry for being so naïve. I’m angry at my slow reflexes, angry at why I couldn’t save myself, angry at the fear I felt and even angrier at my ‘innocence’. How is it that my alarm bells did not start ringing ? This world is scary, when such things occur, no one helps you; you are left to fend for yourself. It is the art of survival. To say that I have lost my trust in guys, would be an understatement. This has happened too many times for me to keep using the same line. This experience has led me to trust my instincts 101% and be afraid of the dark. I now know the exact feeling to why Claire always wishes to be home early, and I will take after her. As much as I hate to be dependent on guys, for this I have to get off my high horse, and just be the weak female society expects. I hate the world out there, full of lust, dirtiness and despicable acts. I am so numb that I don’t know what to feel anymore. Perhaps, I should go back to where I originally felt the safest and the most distant from every possible danger out there. Maybe only then, will I find peace and serenity- in my own haven.

Charmaine at 10:48 AM |

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